Review: What We Do in the Shadows 308: The Wellness Center
Photo credit: FX
Nandor joins a cult at The Wellness Center led by a vampire who promises to make him human again.
Spoilers ahead!
Eternal Boredom
Photo credit: FX
Nandor(Kayvan Novak) is bored. It is the anniversary of his accession, but he can’t be bothered. Even Colin Robinson’s(Mark Proksch) overly enthusiastic imitation of Marilyn Monroe and Laszlo’s(Matt Berry) authentic turban won’t rouse him.
Trying to help him(in the lowest effort way possible), Nadja(Natasia Demetriou) tasks Nandor with collecting on overdue Vampire Council dues.
The Wellness Center
Nandor arrives at the Wellness Center. There he finds Jan(Cree Summer), an ‘80s obsessed vampire that has her followers believing that they can become human again. Jan convinces the still naive Nandor by drinking water and eating an apple. Nevermind she finds an excuse to leave to throw up the water, and is obviously suffering while chewing the apple.
Did I mention the ‘80s obsession? Neon colors, aerobics, legwarmers, and acid washed jeans are everywhere.
Nandor Leaves
Seeking fulfillment, Nandor packs his things. He leaves for the Wellness Center, wanting to be human again. Guillermo(Harvey Guillén) begs Nandor to finally turn him, but Nandor refuses. Looking like a lover scorned, Guillermo worries that Nandor doesn’t even know the basics of being a human. He’s right; Nandor promptly gets hit by a car.
How to Be Human
Jan holds classes on how to be human, using an overhead projector, the likes of which I haven’t seen since high school.
She also has an oddly misogynistic lean, stressing that the female vampires must act interested in men and pretend not to be as smart.
Nandor ironically does not like Uncle Sam’s bleeding of the American people through taxes.
The vampires learn to chop vegetables, which go right in the trash. They remove their fangs in a nightly ceremony, as they grow back.
Nandor loses at cornhole, gets a BeeGees level haircut, and wears acid washed jeans.
Intervention
No one knows where Nandor has gone and it has been weeks; Laszlo forgot his name. Colin Robinson has taken over Nandor’s room. He has farted everywhere to mark it, as we learn that is an energy vampire thing.
Guillermo is anxious to see Nandor; he finds out where the Center is, and goes in disguise. Jan sniffs him out, and he uses his garlic filled water bottle to break Nandor out.
Caged Cliffhanger
Unable to convince Nandor that he is in a cult, Guillermo locks him in the same cage he was kept in in the basement after the theater massacre.
The vamps team up to find a way to help Nandor.
The Cult Gets Dusted
The cult members are scared, and are losing faith in Jan. So she leads them all to a door to the outside, and sends them to burn to ash in the sunlight. Having disposed of them, she turns into a bat and flies off to start her cult fresh somewhere else.
What We Do in the Shadows airs Thursdays at 10 on FX. Live Tweet with us @FANdemoniumNet!
