Saturday the 14th: What Even is This Movie?
Saturday the 14th is a film that doesn’t know what it wants to be, making it a boring and confusing watch.
Well, the book’s not wrong.
Photo credit: New World Pictures/
Shudder
Plot
The Hyatt family inherits a house from a deceased uncle. There’s a magical book in the house that a bad guy wants. Boy stumbles upon book and opens it. Wackiness is supposed to ensue. It does not. If this plot seems familiar, Elvira used similar elements in in her 1988 movie to much better effect.
The movie is supposed to spoof Friday the 13th, but there is no mad slasher, no teens at camp. No camp by any definition. The only thing spoofed is the title of the successful horror franchise.
The Monsters
Photo credit: New World Pictures/
Shudder
There is Waldemar(Jeffrey Tambor) and his wife Yolanda(Nancy Lee Andrews), vampires after the book. They pretend to want the house, but the dead uncle’s family decides to move in. Waldemar gets the hots for matriarch Mary Hyatt(Paula Prentiss) and bites her.
There’s also a mummy, rat monster, a demon thingie, and an alien like creature. They really don’t feature as much as the amphibious monster.
Doctor Who probably passed on this thing.
Photo credit: New World Pictures/
Shudder
The amphibious monster with just enough difference from The Creature from the Black Lagoon to avoid copyright infringement. It looks more like a Sid and Marty Kroft Sleestak, which would normally scare the bejeebers out of me, but no. Those things imprinted on my psyche and never left, OK?
The problems with the not as scary Sleestak are that:
- A. You can see the zipper running up his back. If it is intentional, why? They aren’t spoofing the superior Doctor Who monsters from the early years, or fifties B movies.
- B. He starts out just trying to find his rubber ducky. He is seemingly harmless, but turns on a dime with no reason, killing a policeman.
Teen in Peril
There’s only one teen in this movie, and she actually has more sense than most horror maidens. She is the eldest Hyatt child, Debbie(Kari Michaelsen). She does have final girl attributes, but never really has to use them.
The Plucky Kid
The youngest Hyatt, Billy(Kevin Brando), is the boy that finds and opens the book. He is resourceful and actually very un-bratty. He tries to protect his family.
Van Helsing
There’s a Van Helsing(Severn Darden) in this movie. Rather a spoof of a Van Helsing, like La Croix water is a spoof of fruit flavored sparkling beverages.
The Set
Most of the movie is set in the decrepit house, and whoever did the set design did a nice job.
And the fact that the house is located on Elm Street is purely coincidence, as this movie pre-dates A Nightmare on Elm Street by a few years.
The Actors
The Hyatt parents are beyond oblivious. That is supposed to be played to comedic effect, but the obliviousness is the only thing hammered into the viewer’s head. “Oh, wow, she’s dusting a skeleton! Teehee, dad John(Richard Benjamin) never notices the monsters!” That just makes them look like idiots.
The movie’s actors, however, are doing their best with what they have, and I have no quarrel with them. The family seems to really care about each other. In fact, Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss are married in real life.
This stinkburger actually got a sequel, and I credit the actors(none of whom appear in said sequel) and their chemistry.
Not Worth The Watch, Unless…
The only good thing this movie has going for it(besides the actors doing their best) is the nostalgia for Calvin Klein and other designer label jeans and the fuzzy sweaters we all wore. So if you want to remember wearing those, the movie can do that.
Saturday the 14th is available on Blu-ray and streaming services such as Shudder and Amazon Prime.
